i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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