I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
