went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
