it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
