Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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