the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize