My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
