i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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