my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
