and my herpes radar will keep us safe
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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