That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and she was petting her beer can
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize