I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
