just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
