If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
