so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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