Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
