cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
