Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
