She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
