my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
