My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize