If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
