Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
