Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
