Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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