hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I stole a fireplace last night.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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