you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
