I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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