i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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