in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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