I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I faked an abortion last night.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
