We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
