she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
