Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
