I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
