I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
