what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
