I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
