oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
