Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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