you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
