You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
