I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
