last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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