I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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