i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
