If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
