i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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