Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize