Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
