News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
