just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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