Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
