she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
