im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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