Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
