I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
